I Love You Part 2
- Author: angesbiz
- Filed under: Love, emotional intelligence, family
Jun 16,2008
A short time ago I wrote that I Love You and it attracted some attention. I was sent this image by a friend and thought to use it here. How many times have you done something embarrassing or hurtful without intention to the one you LOVE? Now I’m sure this little fellow didn’t mean it however, things do go wrong sometimes in a relationship and it’s not that easy to get back in the good books of your beloved without having to sacrifice something unless you have a very understanding and committed partnership.
Being in a relationship or partnership brings quite a responsibility if you want it to work. Teamwork is the key. A relationship is a two sided affair so two people need to learn how to communicate with one another in an empowering way.
Relationships Require Commitment
The statistics of marriages breaking down and children growing up with only one biological parent in the home are forever increasing. Now, I am not saying that couples need to stay together for their children’s sake, and if husband and wife are not getting along and have outgrown each other, then it is better for them and their children for the couple to go their separate ways and in my opinion, after sourcing all avenues for help. What I would like to hear about is an increase in responsibilities and making sure that the children are adequately cared for, taught emotional intelligence, and to respect others when this does happen.
I am bringing this subject up because I went to dinner with some of the mothers from my daughters class last week and one of them was finishing off her teaching rounds at a particular school where the majority of children are being raised in a one biological parent home. A great number of these children learn independence at a very young age… as young as nine years old… perhaps even younger in some instances. They get themselves to school and back again as parents have to work to support the family. At my daughters school, most of the kids are dropped off by a parent, usually the mum as they are not at work.
The mother doing the teaching rounds went on to tell us of one child who had slapped a teacher across the face with an open hand and had been expelled from the school and this child hadn’t even turned 10 yet. This was only one incident among many others which she recounted to us that night and I can tell you that the stories weren’t pretty ones. Having said all that, these children will “grow up” faster than children who are lead by the hand in everything they do. Am I being harsh here? I like to teach my children independence and at the same time, respect for others.
It made me wonder and I cannot make any judgments as I do not know the child or her background. I can only surmise that this child is very unhappy and angry to perform such an action. It really made me sad to think that only 10 kilometres down the road their are children crying out for help and there is no-one available to guide and teach them. An I Love You wouldn’t go astray for this child and others like her. It would make a huge impact on her life in a positive way.
Am I making too many assumptions here because at our local school, their are many parents who get involved with their children’s schooling from dropping them off to reading with the children, to volunteering to help out in the classroom for literacy and numeracy lessons and then picking them up again? And don’t get me wrong, my daughters school is not perfect, but it does have a good reputation for being proactive with their curriculum and community. It is family orientated.
Your Thoughts
I would like your opinion please. Do you think it is easy nowadays for couples to separate without giving their relationship the work and commitment it requires to stay alive and strong? Do you spend time nurturing your children and at the same time, also teach them independence? I know there are great variances between children, but as a guide from some of the parents out there who have already been there so to speak… in your valued opinion, what have you tried that has worked with your kids and/or your relationship?
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10 Responses for "I Love You Part 2"
Ange, I think it is challenging to be a single parent and I have been there. I have also seen children neglected from two parent families though. If both are working all the time it’s sometimes challenging to make the time they have with their children count.
It’s possible to encourage independence while still teaching respect. The older they get the more independent they will be whether we like it or not. If we make them feel loved, valued, teach them good manners, spend time and read with them, I think that the values taught will eventually click in.
My eldest daughter put me through hell as a teenager but she did eventually come around. I did the same to my mother. My mom was working a lot but I don’t blame her for that. She is one of the most amazing women I know and I used to wonder if she was bionic.
Anyway, I also think that more children are hitting puberty much earlier and that contributes to emotional problems because they’re not always ready for it.
Divorce still affects children hard and I do think that it could be prevented more. Some children are more affected than others but it’s downplayed because it’s more accepted and seen as the norm now. The ones who get hit harder are often the ones who feel rejected the most IMO and it’s hard to make up for an absent parent. If you involve other close family members and friends that helps a lot but not everyone has that support or reaches out for help.
Hi! Schools appear to be taking a zero tolerance attitude these days with the amount of violence going on in schools these days. For the child that slapped the teacher, it’s pretty hard to make a definite judgement call here, without knowing all the facts. Mind you, if this was a one off incident, is does sound pretty harsh. As for my parents, they ended up getting divorced when we were in our late teens. To be blunt, it was the best thing for them but we survived to tell the tale. Kids are very flexible and will bounce back with the right support. Being parents ourselves we certainly nurtured our children although we may (were) have been guilty of helping them out to much which possibly delayed their independence. But that’s parents for you, I suppose. Wise after the event, a little poorer but still very proud parents.
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Sandra, true that children can be neglected in a two parent family, I did miss that part didn’t I! You write some great articles in your http://www.parentingunderthestars.com/ blog, and from what you say and your experience, I guess you have already been there done that.
Divorce is downplayed and children still need love and affection no matter what circumstances they find themselves in. Quality time with the kids is important as that is what will determine the values instilled in them.
Glad to hear your daughter came good… I think we all go through “stuff” as teenagers… I also remember giving my mum a hard time… and now I have two beautiful girls who will also be teenagers one day!!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Appreciated as always.
Hey Peter! Yes it is difficult to know what else had them expel the young girl if anything. The only thing that would have set her off would have to be rage… anger at someone or something. As a parent, I would be horrified if my daughters were involved in something like this.
Like you say, it is difficult to not do things for your children and although I can be generous, I also like to set boundaries for what they can and cannot have… especially when out shopping LOL… if it was up to them, they would have all the shelves in the supermarket in the trolley. I know where you are coming from and I thank you for sharing here. Cheers!
Ange:
This is an interesting post, and one in which I have had some experience.
We raised four kids, three daughters and one son. We were faithfully involved in their education, and their after school activities. We went to all of the games, the PTA meetings, and other school related activities. It was tiring at times, but we made it, and now we can look at our kids and see the result of our efforts.
We feel that if you do everything you can to show an honest interest in your children, promote wholesome activities, and frequently let them know how much you love them, you have about a 50-50 chance of them growing up okay. Obviously, all of our kids are grown now. Three turned out well, and one has always lived on the wild side - drugs, biker gangs, and periodic trouble. However, she now has her own family, her own home, and a nice middle class life, so what can we say?
On the issue of divorce, and single parenthood, there was a time when none of the men we knew had his own kids living with him. Money for child support and alimony was simply passed up the line. We also knew single parents where one spouse had died. Now it seemed strange to us that the children of the divorced parents, on average, seemed to grow up and turn out to be better suited for society than the children who came from a family where one spouse had died. Those children seemed to have problems that followed them into adulthood. Of course, it depended on how old that child was when the parent died. The same thing goes for children who came from divorced parents. Age at the time of the family break up is important to their development. These things are only our small opinion, of course, so I wouldn’t want to make too big a deal about any of it.
The bottom line of all of this is that we believe that in raising kids, no matter what their background, it takes a whole lot of work, love and care, and a whole lot of plain old luck
Hi Ange, its been a while.
I can’t say I have much parenting experience since I’m only new to this game but I’ll go by my own parents. I can’t complain about the way I was brought up because I feel I’ve turned out okay. It’s only evident to me now that my cousins that were brought up in single parenting homes or were neglected as children are very different from me. Some of them are still bitter and envious and sometimes I wished they stopped and listened to themselves. Just the other day I was telling my mother about how most people compliment my baby, Samara, how she’s so loving to everyone around her, and happy most times, and she said to me that “if people want to know what kind of life you’re living in your home they look at how your children act and they judge from that”. I believe that! And I’m not saying that children that act out are not given enough attention, in some cases it could be other things besides home life. For instance recently one of my close friends daughter accused her step brother of rapping her, it’s not the first time she’s admitted to lying, she said to me she’ll do anything to go to her father…..and not that her mother is not a good mother, outside she’s seems perfect. The mother refuses to get her psychological help, because she doesn’t want to be deemed as a bad parent, child youth and services, and other school counselors suspect that she might be a PD…… any who. I just believe parents should do the best they can for their children and even children they see who might be calling out for help. Sometimes it’s hard stepping into your friends life to get them to see that they’re child may have a problem. If you have good intentions you could actually save a life.
Hi Ange,
When I was finishing college, I did my internship in a group home of children who had been abused in some way and had become abusive themselves. These were children who seriously yearned for someone to love them.
Many times I’d come home in tears, not because of the actions of the children, but because of where they’d come from and what they were having to deal with. One little girl kept causing problems with her potential adoptive mother, and so they kept having to bring her back to the home. It wasn’t until the mom saw the scars from her real parents that she realized how afraid this child was, which gladly lead to a break-through for both of them.
The one that broke my heart most was a young man who was close to graduating out of the program. He already had plans to live on the street! He was extremely smart, but so desperate for attention that he would misbehave until he was called down, just to have someone focus on him. Just touching his shoulder or giving him a hug would change his behavior so drastically you could actually see the change. If I had been older and more settled, I would have adopted him in a heartbeat.
We don’t always see immediate results like that from letting someone know we love them, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t need to hear it, and each time we say and mean it, hopefully it sinks in a little more.
(((hugs))) I’m so glad you’re back safely from your trip! Can’t wait to hear more about it!
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Meggan…
The more you are willing to accept responsibility for your actions, the more credibility you will have….
So true Meggan.
“I would like your opinion please. Do you think it is easy nowadays for couples to separate without giving their relationship the work and commitment it requires to stay alive and strong?”
Ange, I absolutely think that divorce has become so mainstream these days that couples are accepting it as a good solution, possibly before seeking out any other solutions.
How can divorce be acceptable, but the idea of going to a couples counselor still signals some sort of problem?
I think we are so accustomed to a fast-paced life with fast solutions that spending time and effort working out a relationship is just beyond us.
A counselor I know is trying to get couples to come to her BEFORE problems start. You regularly service your car, why not your relationship? Why are people letting it get beyond saving so easily? There is no shame in seeking the advice of an expert for something so complex as marriage.
That said, of course I recognise that in some cases, it is best for all involved (including children) if the separation occurs… it just seems such a waste.
Did you know there was a motion in Germany not long ago to give the option of 7-year marriage contracts with an opt-in for a further 7-years? What do you think about that?
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